Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
